Last night may have ended with this terse goodnight sentiment:  “Why don’t you go read I Corinthians 13 and thank the Good Lord Above that you have a wife that has promised to put up with your crap for all earthly eternity?”

We’re just keeping it real around here.

I think it’s safe to say that I might be running a little hot this week; the CRAZY is in full force.  But, in all fairness, it was provoked.  I may have come back a bit strongly, but still- PROVOKED.

You see-  football is kicking up, so Coach is tense. 

He’s going to be at a new school with a new head coach, and he’s kind of a big deal now.  We’re so excited.  And by “we’re” I mean me, Coach doesn’t really do “excited.” 

Anyway, he’s spending all his free time studying x’s and o’s, watching films, drawing plays, and doing whatever coaches do.  And I have been, for the most part, quiet and long-suffering.

Generally, I don’t do quiet or long-suffering, so it’s been a challenging summer.  A journey of self-exploration and personal growth, if you will.

It started simply enough.  I asked him if he would be home by noon today.    I have a hair appointment, and I generally like to arrive at the salon without my two underaged minions.  So, I just needed to be sure he’d be home.  Coach was snippy and sarcastic in his reply.  See?  PROVOKED.

 I’m a football fan.  I LOVE football.  I do.  Seriously.  There is nothing better than the sound of marching bands and whistles and helmets colliding.  There is no place I would rather be on any given Friday or Saturday in the fall.  Coach will be the first to affirm that for me.  I love it.

However, I can think of many places I would rather be on a hot Monday in July.  One of those places is the hair salon where I will get a scalp massage, a kicky cut, and my natural color will be restored.  In July I do not fret over football.  I tried to explain to Coach that if only he would take the time to understand the foundational truths of high school football, he too could enjoy the remainder of a hotter-than-normal summer,  girlfriend could get her highlights at the hair salon without an act of congress, and all would be well at the Momsense home.

He claimed ignorance regarding the foundational truths.  Allow me to share…

Foundational Truths of High School Football

1.  While there are 60 minutes of regulation playing time in a high school football game, there are only 12-15 minutes of time when there are bodies in motion and a ball in play.  (Don’t believe me?  Record one and time it- I’ve done this math Homeslice.)

2.  12-15 minutes is not a lot of time.  You can’t even get a good eyebrow wax in 15 minutes, much less a scalp massage and a haircut.

3.  12-15 minutes of motion multiplied by 10 games is roughly 150 minutes. 

4.  For those 150 minutes, grown men who generally answer to “Coach” put their careers and expertise on the shoulders of a team of boys whose average age is 16.78 years old.

5.  Experience and common sense tells us that counting on a team of teenage boys is not necessarily prudent and usually ends up featuring some impressive hormone-induced incompetence.

6.  However, history will show that coaches will repeatedly play fast and loose with the hormonal incompetence of teenage boys in hopes of the cheap thrill of  victory.

7.  High school football coaches spend hundreds of hours making plans for 12 teenage boys to play with a ball for 150 minutes each SEASON. 

Listen, I have spent the better part of the last 8 years observing Coach willingly put his professional life in the hands of teenage boys, which often leads me to question the existence of common sense, wisdom, and most certainly Social Darwinism. 

But today?  I just need 150 minutes to get my hair done- no Sunday coaching meetings, no two-a-days, no weight-lifting workouts, no preparation at all.  Just 150 minutes of time to drive myself to a salon, get a scalp massage, a haircut, and a highlight.

And he calls me high maintenance.

Told you I was provoked.

See y’all!